Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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