I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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