i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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