Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I will be naked everywhere
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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