: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
