I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm too high and old for this...
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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