I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
