just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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