i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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