Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
