Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
