I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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