he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
