I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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