Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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