I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
