wrigley field is MILF paradise
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
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