I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he shaved USA in his pubs
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
