So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
