You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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