We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
