He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
