I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
