Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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