Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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