I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
