They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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