I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
