Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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