Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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