I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
