I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
