mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
