the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
