My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
