Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
