do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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