I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
