There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
