literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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