There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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