It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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