Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
