I need to stop coming to work sober
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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