He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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