My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
