Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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