I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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