So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
