Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
