I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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