Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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