i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
if only i could text you this smell
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
